Here is an excerpt from my script Smeg Trek!
Two confessions: Yes, I wrote fan fiction! Also: This is the only fan fiction I have written. This is my Star Trek:Voyager/Red Dwarf crossover story. You can download this script in PDF format!
INT. VOYAGER - BRIDGE
Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Paris and Kim are at their usual stations.
KIM
It's a small transport ship.
TUVOK
It appears to be of a crude design.
JANEWAY
Hail them.
TUVOK
(works)
No response.
CHAKOTAY
Try again.
INT. STARBUG - BRIDGE
HOLLY
The alien ship is hailing us.
LISTER
Answer em' Hol'.
RIMMER
Wait a minute! Do you want to wear your
brains as a toupee'?
LISTER
Come on Rimmer, you're being paranoid!
KRYTEN
Really sir, they appear to be well armed.
I'm sure they would have attacked by now
if they had any hostile intentions.
HOLLY
They're hailing again. Impatient lot they are.
LISTER
Go ahead an' answer em' Holly.
RIMMER
Just a moment, if we're going to be stupid
enough to respond I want to handle this!
INT. VOYAGER - BRIDGE
TUVOK
They are responding.
A beat as Tuvok puzzles over the transmission.
CHAKOTAY
Well? What did they say?
TUVOK
They want to know if... we intend to turn
their heads inside out.
Beat - Perplexed reactions all around.
JANEWAY
Could you repeat that Mister Tuvok?
TUVOK
An audio transmission is coming through.
JANEWAY
Put it through.
RIMMER'S COM VOICE
Alien starship, please be advised, We have,
and I want to make this perfectly clear,
we have absolutely no biases whatsoever against
metal fanged carnivores. None at all. As a
matter of fact, we find such people to be
quite charming and forgiving.
PARIS
It sounds like he's gone mad.
KIM
Their ship does appear to have been
traversing space for some time.
CHAKOTAY
There have been some cases of people going
insane after prolonged periods of space flight.
INT. STARBUG - BRIDGE
HOLLY
Transmission coming through.
LISTER
Let's hear it.
JANEWAY'S COM VOICE
This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the
Federation starship Voyager. Can we be
of assistance?
RIMMER
My God, listen to that voice!
CAT
She sounds like the wicked witch of
the Delta quadrant!
LISTER
Come on now, she's probably just got some
sort of throat virus or something.
CAT
Maybe she just swallowed a Canary the
wrong way.
KRYTEN
Mister Lister sir, I believe most of the
people aboard that ship are human!
LISTER
Human you say? Get outta town!
(to com)
Starbug to Voyager.
FADE OUT.
