This is an excerpt from my novel What the Hell Ever Happened to Yuri Rozhenko? This work is the sequel to my novel Crash Shadow: A Tale of Two Addicts. In this story we follow Skye on a West Coast road trip. This excerpt is about her time in Los Angeles.

    “Does a guy weigh more when he has an erection?”
    “What?”
    “If a guy gets an erection, does he weigh just a little bit more because part of him got bigger?”
    “What the fuck are you talking about?”
    Lush turned to Skye. “‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ is a phrase Onion hears a lot.”
    “No doubt. She tried pulling that shit on me.”
    Lush smiled. “Didn’t budge, didja?”
    “I can’t believe people actually get freaked out about stuff like that. It’s stupid.”
    “Did she tell ya’ that she got me pregnant?”
    “Yeah. That’s the first bit she tried on me.”
    Skye and Lush turned to the discussion again. Onion was sitting on a short brick wall along with a couple of her friends while Casey, Skye, and a few random punks stood and listened to Onion’s gutter wisdom with beers in hand.
    “A guy’s overall mass doesn’t increase because he gets a hard on,” said the green-haired mohican sitting next to Onion.
    “Maybe his density increases,” said the woman who looked like a Gothic skinhead. “Y’know, part of his body gets more concentrated, so he does weigh a little more.”
    “Y’all be crazy,” yarped Casey.
    Onion had brought Skye, Casey, Davita, and Lush to an alleyway behind the Gum Club, a punk dive on a side street in Van Nuys. Onion had managed to build up a decent entourage during her short time in Los Angeles, a testament to her charm.
    Skye was trying to remember everyones name. She suddenly remembered that the green-haired mohican’s name was Scream. Scream had a huge bright green mohawk and shaved the sides of her head, even though there was a long scraggly red scar just above her left ear. She was with a dark haired woman in jeans and doc boots who wore a Siouxsie Sioux shirt. Skye couldn’t remember her name, but Skye thought she looked like a cross between a Skinhead and a Goth.
    The rest were scraggly looking enough for punks, but Skye could tell they were not homeless gutter punks. They had too much working class air about them and they had obviously bathed in the past week. Skye found it remarkable that virtually everyone there was either criminally thin or quite large and wide.
    One very burly woman, the only one wearing a leather jacket and who insisted her name was Scorch, sided up to Skye at one point.
    “Are y’scared?”
    “Scared?”
    “A lil’ breeder like you surrounded by all these bulldykes?”
    “Butch please. I’m a clubber from San Francisco. I’ve known hyper-macho diesel dykes that make you look like a lipstick lesbian!”
    Everyone laughed, except for Scorch who gave an irritated scowl.
    “I’ve been mistaken for a dyke,” said Casey.
    “Why? ‘Cause you was french kissin’ some girl?” asked Onion.
    “Mostly by hopeful dykes,” said Skye.
    “Naw. It’s because I ain’t a homophobe like so many other straight bitches.”
    “Straight bitches are my fave!” piped up Sport. Skye was impressed that she remembered the name of the tall skinny punk in jean shorts who was wearing a ripped up DRI shirt that barely covered her torso.
    “Hey, if my vagina swells up, do I weigh more?” asked Lush.
    Onion turned to her. “I dunno. Lay on top of me and we’ll find out.”
    “Me on top? That’d be a switch!”
    Everyone laughed as Onion threw a rolled up burger wrapper at Lush.
    “Isn’t this just obsessing about weight?” asked the Skinhead Goth.
    “If you’re weighing yourself and you have to fart,” continued Onion, “hold in the fart while you step on the scale. You’ll weigh less.”
    “What the fuck?” yarked Casey.
    “Methane. It makes you lighter!”
    “Enough beer and you’ll float away!” exclaimed Lush.
    “Can we get back to swelling vaginas?” asked Scorch.
    “I can do better than that!” piped up Onion.
    “Oh boy,” groaned Lush, “Here we go!”
    “Now what?” asked Casey.
    Skye looked at Scorch “Y’see? Now Onion’s gonna talk our ears off about vaginas.”
    “She was gonna do that anyways,” said Scorch.
    “No, I will not,” declared Onion. “I will only tell you about one, the ultimate vagina!”
    “Okay, now I want to hear this,” said Casey.
    “You can’t single out just one hoo ha!” exclaimed Sport.
    “Wouldn’t that be an objective decision anyways?” volunteered Lush.
    “There is only one ultimate vag. The vagina of Creatus.”
    “What?”
    “Creatus is an enormous and incredibly sexy women, with the largest vagina in the world. Y’know, because she’s thousands of miles long.”
    “So she has an incredibly large cooch,” said Casey.
    “It’s the longest vagina in the world.”
    “Whattaya mean long?” asked Skye.
    “Some vaginas are long. Some are big, some are little, some are thick or thin, and some are long.”
    “Okay,” replied Casey skeptically.
    “So if she’s so big,” said Skye, “Why you jus’ talkin’ about her vag?”
    “It’s the whole point of the legend,” continued Onion. “The vagina of a massive giant, an incredibly sexy and naked woman who desperately desires to have someone lick her clit. But the thing is her clit is thousands of miles away. Many tried to make the journey, to leap on her Devil’s doorbell and give her the mountain splitting orgasm she so desperately desires. They tried walking along the outer labias, only the journey was too long. It was shorter to take the inner labias, but they were treacherous. They were much rougher terrain, and slippery. Many who tried to make the journey on her inner lips slipped and fell off, and were lost forever within the deep chasm of her enormous vagina!
    Others were just defeated by the distance. Thousands of miles away! When many had tried and failed, men and women, many began to give up on the dream of reaching the giant’s clitoris and causing the legendary earthquakes of her intense orgasms.
    Finally, it was revealed by the dirtiest old man on the Earth, Carl the tractor man, that one, and only one person could make it to the clit, and that would be no man. The wisest of the wise horn dogs revealed that only the horniest lesbian in the world would have what it takes to reach the storied clit!”
    “Shit,” said Davita, “I bet my ex Clara could make it.”
    “Many oversexed dykes rose to the challenge, but they all failed. They had boasted of their overwhelming lust, but were revealed to be wanting. None of them were horny enough!”
    “Okay, but someone did make it, right?”
    “No, not yet! In each and every big city in the world a champion horn dyke must be chosen to be the champion who shall try!”
    “Y’mean we gotta figure out who the horniest dyke in Los Angeles is?”
    “Yes!”
    “Psssh! Not possible.”
    “That’s me!” piped up Sport.
    “Naw, that’s me!” said Lush.
    “I’m the horniest dyke,” said Scorch. “I’ll do all of you right now, right here. Even the straight gals!”
    “I told you guys,” said Davita, “Clara’s the horniest. She’d do a taco!”
    “Y’see, this is why it ain’t possible to find the horniest lesbian in Los Angeles,” stated Casey.
    “Much less the horniest one in the whole world,” added Skye.
    “I agree. It’s not possible,” remarked the green haired mohican whose name Skye had just forgotten again.
    Casey sided up to Skye. “Let’s get into the club. I’m tired of talking about twats.”
    “I think this conversation is about to get really graphic.”
    “How can it get more graphic? They’ve been talking about enormous clits and heavy dicks for the last half hour!”
    “You guys leavin’?” shouted Onion at Skye and Casey over the crowd.
    Casey turned to the gaggle of punks.”You do remember there’s a show going on inside the club, right?”
    “Oh shit!” exclaimed Scorch. “And we actually paid to get in this time!”
    The whole contingent dropped their beer cans and quickly made their way to the front of the club.

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Skye kickin’ it next to her beat up old band sticker covered car.

Check out my novel Crash Shadow: A Tale of Two Addicts, the inspiration for this novel!