Quotes from my recent short story collection Short Songs, tales of punks leading lives of noisy desperation!

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    “Don’t you ever think about anything besides sex?”
     “Sure. I think about violence too!”

     Miranda laughed and talked to the woman for a few minutes. She asked Miranda to sign a Dynamite Chicks LP. They made their way to the cashier who lent them a sharpie.
     The young woman read the inscription. “To Cassie. Don’t get the clap. Awesome!”

    “It’s always a trip when your friends become parents. When some skater scrub who used to score dope and booze for you is suddenly responsible for an actual tiny human.”

     The man walked up to her as she let go of her pants, letting them fall down around her ankles. “What’s the matter with you?” he barked. “You can’t desecrate a grave like that!”
     “Sure I can,” said Gail with a cold voice. “He desecrated me.”
     “What are you talking about? I should call the police!”
     Gail let her arms drop to her sides and stared back at the man as she felt her eyes go blank.
     “For God’s sake, at least put your pants back on! What’s the matter with you?”

    “Can I get a hit a’ that?” he asked as he pointed to the smoldering joint in Roach’s hand.
     “Go for it,” said Roach as she handed it over.
     “You sure you wanna get baked before your recording session?” asked Annie.
     “Just a couple a’ hits,” he said. “They won’t notice, will they?”
     “Who won’t?” asked Roach.
     “Y’know, Skye an’ tall n’ scary. What’s her name? Tan-dab-a-seal or somethin’?”
     “Tandasil,” said Annie. “And if you think those ol’ club hags aren’t gonna know you’re stoned, you’re totally kiddin’ yourself!”

     Tandasil narrowed her eyes at him. “How are you always able to find me?”
     “It’s that GPS tracker I put in your panties.”
     Tandasil tilted her head and gave him her patented raised eyebrow.
     “Or it could be that you’re six feet tall with about another two feet of hair.”

     “I can’t believe Trilly asked me why I always wear tight pants.”
     “Why not?”
     Miranda waved her hands around. “Hello! See how wide my hips are? How big my butt is? Any pants I wear are gonna be tight!”
     “You don’t have wide hips, you’ve got curvy hips.”
     Miranda looked at Preston with a pointed wince.

    “She’s cute,” said Molly.
     “Cute?” replied Roach with a wince. “She’s a killer babe. How can you say she’s just cute?”
     “Mmm… If she had dyed black hair and a few fucked up tattoos on her forearms she’d be a lot more appealing.”
     “Damn girl, they all gotta be sketchy punks for you to be attracted to ‘em?”
     “Pretty much, yeah!” said Molly as she straightened her back. “You’ve met me, right?”

    “Tomorrow I’m playing with my retro band Hat Confusion.”
     “No shit? What, like old-school punk?”
     “Naw. Old new wave. My friend Molly started that band a few years ago to piss off the punks.”
     Rusty haired threw her head back and laughed, a loud braying laugh that made a few people glance in their direction.
     “It worked, right?” asked rusty hair.
     Roach shook her head. “The whole thing backfired. Turns out everyone really likes it.”

     Annie brought her head back down. “Okay, how ‘bout this. John Waters is God.”
     “Duh! Of course he is.”
     “But he doesn’t rule his realm by himself. He has his angels!”
     “John Waters angels? What?”

     “Psh! I saw you guys play the Wolf Theater last year.”
     “Really?Are you one of the ones who stage dived?”
     “Naw. My boyfriend did though. He totes got kicked out too!”
     “And you went after him, right? Once he got tossed?”
     “Fuck no! I stuck aroun’ and watched the rest of the show.”

     “Shakespeare was a woman?” asked Larry in an incredulous voice.
     “I’m kinda obsessed with the Shakespeare authorship controversy.”
     “Yeah, I’ve heard of that. I don’t know too much about it though.”
     “Tsk!” said Tandasil as she shook her head. “You’re supposed to be offended. You know, being British and all.”
     Larry held up his hands. “You’re right. But really, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a front, knowin’ those hoity-toity types.”

     “Well…” Roach glanced at Annie who shrugged. “You know our nickname for her is The Vulcan.”
     “Understandable. It’s an accurate Star Trek reference.”
     “Star Trek,” moaned Annie as she let her head drop to one side.
     “Skye once compared me to Scotty.”
     “The chief engineer?” asked Roach. “You really are. I can see the mixing board having a warp core breach!”
     “Nerds!” snided Annie.
     “She’s gonna blow any minute, captain!” said Larry in his best Scottish accent.
     “That’s what he said!” smiled Roach.

    “I’m sorry, I don’t know much about modern music.” Liam looked off in the direction of army jacket woman. “You must be doing really well if people are asking you for your autograph.”
     Miranda sat back, feeling flush. “I’m kinda like… I’m pretty much one of the more recognizable members of the band. Well, me and my singer.”

     Larry put his hands in his pockets. “I’m kinda nervous about meetin’ your ma.”
     “Whatever for?”
     “Well… Mamas usually think I’m a bit out there. Y’know, not the kinda boy you bring home to mother.”
     Tandasil raised her trademark eyebrow. “Trust me, she’s much more out there than you.”
     “Yeah?”
     “I already know she’ll love you.”
     “Love me? Aren’t you overselling?”
     “Ha! She might try and steal you from me.”
     Larry actually looked alarmed. “Oh dear!”
     “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

     “Okay, how about this,” said Annie. “Susie Bright is God!”
     “Hell yeah!” said Roach.
     “Who’s Susie Bright?” asked Larry.
     “Sex girl,” said Roach.
     “Sex girl? Okay.”
     “Sex writer. And sex activist,” said Annie.
     “Sounds very San Francisco.”
     “She is!” said Roach.
     “But if John Waters is already God, how can Miss Bright also be God.?”
     “A war!” announced Annie as she held up a fist.
     “A pantheon war?” asked Roach.
     “Exactly!”

    “Hey, I know you. But you’re only half a dyke!”
     “Half a dyke? What?”
     “Actually she’s more like sixty three percent dyke,” said Molly.
     “What the fuck?” She looked right at Roach. “Is that true?”
     “It actually depends on the time of day, what the weather’s like, and what kind of mood I’m in.”
     “What?”
     “Like yesterday I think I was only twenty eight percent dyke, but right now I’m more like eighty eight percent.”

    Then there were her large array of shoes and boots. Her new Doc Martens, her old Doc Martens, her Doc Marten soles, her chucks, her creepers, her old army boots, and her Red Wing shoes that she had bought when she was in her old street gang the Lower Haight Danger Dykes, also known as The Double D’s.
     As she picked up her Red Wings, her thoughts drifted back to those Lower Haight days when she was a rowdy teenager. Her and her friends would often make their way to the much more colorful and busy Upper Haight to mess with tourists and make fun of the gutter punks who would spare change along that popular stretch of Haight Street. She remembered how rude and obnoxious herself and her gang had been, wearing army jackets and flannel shirts to make themselves look more intimidating while yelling, swearing, and acting out in overt attempts to push people’s buttons.

     “Gonna insist on bringin’ this whole thing on tour?” asked Larry as he stepped up on the drum riser.
     Roach scrunched her face as she looked it over. “Not sure yet. I have to go through a few more rounds a’ playin’ it before I decide.”
     “Either way, the roadies will have fun with this one.”
     “Eh. It’s what we pay ‘em for, right?”
     Larry raised an eyebrow. “I happen to be one a’ those roadies, m’dear!”
     Roach shook her head. “You’ve been goin’ out with Tandasil too long.”
     “What?”
     Roach looked Larry right in the eye and raised her eyebrow.
     “Oh blast,” said Larry. “Am I doin’ that now?”

     “I can’t decide which shirt to wear!” said Miranda as she held up a stack of band shirts.
     “That’s because you got five million band shirts,” said Preston as he braced himself for more soaring clothes.
     “Yeah, but this is for a Front 242 show. What do you wear to an industrial show?”
         “Wear your Alien Sex Fiend shirt.”
Miranda looked at him again with her are-you-kidding-me wince. “God no. Too predictable.”
     “You want me to help you pick out a shirt?”
     “Yes!” said Miranda as she flung a pile of shirts which hit him in the chest and fell to the floor.

     “What? You don’t like her?”
     Skye let out a long sigh. “She’s cute, she’s smart, she’s down with the street, she’s really nice, and she’s fun to be around. And I hate her guts.”
     “Oh dear. Totes jelly?”
     “It’s much easier to lust after taken men if they’re goin’ out with jerks.”