Facebook doesn’t have the best reputation at times. From fake news and “fake news” and hate speech and misinformation, to the perpetuation of frippery: The time wasting practice of looking at cat pictures and posting silly memes. Many people, even regular Facebook users, often deride it as a pernicious waste of time.

But Facebook has proven to be useful in other realms: In planning and organizing events, in staying touch with a variety of people without having to stay in explicit contact, and in finding old friends who have lost touch. I went to a rather unique high school reunion that couldn’t have been possible without Facebook. Then there is also causes: People organizing and helping each other out on Facebook, calling out for help, for donations, nonprofits using Facebook groups and pages to organize and inform people.

But I found another use for Facebook: I was able to see some old acquaintances in a clearer light, people I had know for literally decades, and people whose relationship dynamic with me was detrimental in ways I had not realized.

I have been able to identify toxic relationships in my past. Usually they were family or romantic relationships. Some of my toxic family connections were far too easy to identify as toxic, but toxic relationships were harder to recognize.

My relationships with my father and brother was always an evil mess: Abusive language, derision, and insults hurled at me or between us, in addition to physical violence. But other toxic relationships are harder to identify, because there’s no overwhelming point that betrays the dynamic of the relationship. A slightly patronizing comment, a casual dismissal, a critical comment: You can’t point to any one moment of behavior and claim that’s the reason the relationship is off-kilter, or that it’s evidence that you’re on the receiving end of a hostile dynamic. I knew, for example, that I was not happy or comfortable in my marriage, but I could not pinpoint the source of my dissatisfaction. I could not find the reason why I felt the way I did, which made it even more frustrating. When I was able to put my finger on it, when I realized that I was on the receiving end of a toxic relationship, then it was not so frustrating. But what is much more difficult than identifying that you’re in an abusive relationship dynamic was trying to work out the problem with said partner.

Even though I had recognized this behavior in some of my past partners, I didn’t realize the same thing was going on with some of my long term friendships. When I first joined Facebook I friended fellow bloggers, family members, and old friends. I’ve built up a decent friendslist, but I only Facebook friend people with whom I have a personal connection, either in real life, or people I’ve gotten to know through other internet sites. (All of my old Livejournal friends, for example.)

Most of the people on my Facebook friendslist are not very active. For all the bluster about how social media is sucking our time and energy away, the vast majority of people I know on Facebook use it only occasionally or rarely. But several of my old friends were very active, and commented frequently on my posts.

And I would get annoyed with some of them. Maybe annoyed is too strong a word. Irked. A bit irritated. Something that would provoke a sigh or a raised eyebrow, rather than outright disappointment or anger. I would get a criticism, or a condescending comment, or a jibe now and then. It would irk me.

The thing was is that I was starting to notice a pattern with certain people. I started to notice that the kinds of comments coming from specific individuals were always negative. It was those mild yet slightly biting comments that I mentioned before.

What made it really eye opening was that their behavior towards me on Facebook mirrored their attitudes towards me in real life. They weren’t saying or commenting or criticizing me in any way on Facebook that was different from the way they would talk or act towards me in person.

Looking at comment after comment, on post after post, I came to the eye opening realization that these friends of mine had a very toxic attitude towards me. It was all negative. Nowhere in any of their Facebook comments did I ever get a “Way to go!” or “That’s awesome!” or even likes on many of my posts. Some of my posts are about my triumphs: Publishing a novel, running another marathon, or announcing my clean date for my sobriety. I also had more minor triumphs, such as my baking and cooking exploits, pictures of my cats, and triumphant sporting good purchases; Small life events that would receive praise and thumbs ups and likes from many of my Facebook followers.

But not from those certain old friends. I realized, not only how they were treating me, but also that I was unaware of how they were affecting me. I realized I needed to do something about so-called friends who do nothing but bag on me all of the time, people who if they offered a compliment, or a supportive note, or just said or commented on anything in a remotely positive manner, it would simply surprise the hell out of me.

And I wondered why I had put up with their behavior for so long and had not recognized it during all of those years. It was because Facebook was basically “streaming” their behavior that I was able to see it for what it was. A regimented and documented account of their comments and attitudes was laid out before me.

It’s not uncommon for the abusive party of a toxic relationship to not realize what they are doing. I was in one relationship in which got to the point where I only received criticism and put downs from my partner. And when I told my partner, “All you ever do is put me down,” she bellowed, “That’s not true!” She became very defensive. She even got angry at the idea that she was always being negative, and protested that she “didn’t know what I was talking about.” Another partner accused me of being the problem, telling me that I wasn’t “Strong enough” to handle criticism, even though criticism was all she had to offer at the time.

As much as a target may not realize they are on the receiving end of a toxic relationship, it is also often the case that the protagonist of that relationship doesn’t fully realize what they are doing. For some of them, they’re observations and suggestions are just normal. In some cases, that party believes they are being helpful by doing such things as pointing out where the other party can “improve”, or that they are helping out by giving feedback on their observations. That everything they are saying is negative, or that their attitude, language, and perspective are coming in at a direction that is tearing their partner or their friend down, rather than building them up, is lost on them.

I also realized that a some of my past behavior was toxic. Looking back in hindsight, I realized that occasionally I came into a dynamic where I was always the critical one, without realizing it. Once, quite some time ago, I chastised my then girlfriend for putting my record collection to close to a heating vent. I did this after she had gone to the trouble of cleaning the entire apartment. She went out of her way to do something positive and generous, and I responded by pointing out a negative. That’s just one example of how I came at her. I can honestly say she wasn’t much better, but it’s much harder to identify that behavior in yourself, and call yourself on it, than it is to see it in others.

It can be easy to criticize and chastise, sometimes too easy, and I realize that from critically looking at my own past behavior. It can be much easier than being positive. It gets to the point where one loses sight of the other party: Who they are, what they’ve done, and what their intentions are.

As far as my relationships with friends and family go, it’s not as if I cannot take some criticism and some fallout from someone from time to time. My skin is not so thin that I cannot take some correction or some biting feedback. But if all a person has is negative feedback, if all they have for me are criticisms and corrections and “corrections” that always come in at a aggressive slant, then that wears me down. I need something more than that from a friendship, otherwise it’s just a drag. And not just a drag in that it’s a chore to deal with: It’s a drag on my mental health, on my self-esteem, and on my state of mind in general. When it’s most pernicious is when one doesn’t recognize that dynamic, when one is getting dragged down by that relationship, be it romantic, professional, or someone who’s supposed to be part of your crew.

In the end I just unfriended those old acquaintances on Facebook, those people I had known for literally decades. And the dramatic act of unfriending such people on the ubiquitous Facebook was a signal that something had changed. I have not heard from most of them, and I’m not sure why. Maybe they don’t want to put in any real work on our friendship, or maybe they’re just confused, or they’re resentful, or maybe they didn’t even notice.

As far as I was concerned I had already done more than enough for our friendships. I had always strived, even in my worst moments, to try and be a good and loyal friend. I still do. And because I work to try and be a thoughtful and loyal friend, I know I deserve better.