A woman once questioned my masculinity because she saw me eating a piece of biscotti.
“What kind of man eats biscotti?” she asked with a sneer.
I was a little confused. I looked at the biscotti and then looked back at her.
“A man who likes almonds?” I volunteered in an unsure attempt to reaffirm my manliness.

The definition and concept of masculinity is one that can be fluid, a barometer of mainstream culture, and oftentimes confusing. Most people are familiar with the very basic mainstream definition of masculinity, the manly-man who is not a sissy or a wimp, and is prone to acting like a self-indulgent hothead who is prone to violence.

One source of masculine definitions is the website The Art of Manliness which published an article 100 Skills Every Man Should Know. Some of the featured skills in that article, outlining the skillset every real man should have, include such things as how to fire a gun, how to chop wood, and how to throw a knockout punch. But they also include things such as being able to change a diaper, being able to recite a poem from memory, and being able to speak a foreign language. Indeed, many mainstream examples of masculinity do include punching, kicking, and using weapons, but other mainstream examples of manly-men include men who area well read, can speak other languages, and have mastered any number of other cerebral and even family arts.

(Lest one believe The Art of Manliness is just a lunkhead machismo site, they are some of the principle people behind the Movember charity, which raises money for prostate and testicular cancer research and treatment.)

All in all, the definitions of masculinity and how men are judged by those conventions cause a lot of emotional reactions. Men can go to great lengths to prove their manliness, or “manliness”, oftentimes doing things that are reckless, suspect, or absolutely dangerous. The worst case scenarios is where violence comes to the fore, everything from flying fists to reckless driving to committing homicide.

But how individuals interpret masculinity can become complex, multi-faceted, or just ridiculous. Driving with a friend of mine who is a singer for a particularly raunchy hardcore band, we were getting out of my car when I felt a few raindrops. “Should I bring the umbrella?” I asked, to which he responded “Umbrellas are for wimps!” Which made me think of the phrase “Not enough sense to get out of the rain.”

James Bond is considered one of the most macho fictional
characters, a real man’s man, but he’s not just tough and violent,
he’s also sophisticated, educated, and knowledgeable, a portrayal
of masculinity that some might see as a gender conundrum
in today’s modern definitions of manliness, thereby revealing
the complexities of the topic.

Many individuals cherry pick what they think constitutes a masculine man, so the definitions fly all over the place. Here’s a personal example:

Yeas ago I was in a relationship with a woman who was quite focused on many first world issues in her personal life. To wit: The fitted bed sheet on her bed. For this woman, the fitted bed sheet on her bed, (Not any other fitted bed sheets on anyone else’s bed,) was the center of her world. If the fitted bed sheet was not properly secure and in place, if a corner became undone, her world would literally come to a screeching halt until it was fixed. No, I am not exaggerating. It literally did not matter what else was going on. The fitted bed sheet coming undone set off harried klaxons and a frantic rush to right the problem.

(This was just one of many pointed issues she had. Basically she was obsessed with controlling many pointed facets of her life, the whole bed sheet thing being just one of them.)

Because this was such an important issue for her, I endeavored to be the good and attentive boyfriend by buying her some sheet stays.

Sheet stays are elastic bands with clasps on the end. The point being that you put them underneath your mattress and anchor down the corners of the fitted bed sheet, making it much more unlikely that it will come loose.

When I gave her the package of sheet stays she looked at them cross-eyed, sneered at me, and said “Why don’t you do something manly?”

I was more than a little taken aback by her response. After all, I had gone out of my way to address a very pointed and important part of her life. Is that not what everyone wants from a partner?

I was also unaware that, in her eyes, I would be emasculating myself by buying her such a product.

In any case, after she let out her sneering comment, I said…

“Something manly? Like what?”
“I don’t know,” she shrugged.
“Well, what manly thing can I do to reaffirm my manliness? What tasks or endeavors would give you consent to hand me back my man cards?”

She didn’t have an answer. After pointedly informing me that I had turned myself into a girly-girl for having dared buy her something from the bedding department at the local Target, she failed to instruct me as to how I might butch myself up.

Empathy is often portrayed as an emasculating trait, but
then again that human facet can depend on context.

Odell Beckham Jr, whose team just won the NFC
Championship, taking time out of his team’s celebration
to console Deebo Samuel, whose team had lost.

It’s not just that she thought the act of buying sheet stays made me a wimp, it’s also the way that she defined masculinity, at least in my case. Because there are things about me and things I engage in that are vey masculine from a mainstream point of view: I am a long distance runner and I work out five to six times a week. I even own my own kettlebells! I listen to a lot of punk, industrial, and metal, music that sounds like barbed wire going through a meat grinder. I am also an avid NFL fan, yelling at my TV screen every NFL Sunday.

The thing is, all over those overtly butch facets about me didn’t help in my partner’s assessment of my not being a real man. She thought working out was just a fad, she though that loud and abrasive music was stupid, and she also thought organized sports were dumb. Because she thought those particular pursuits were stupid and ridiculous, they didn’t count towards my man cards. Even though Hanz n’ Franzing in a gym, listening to shrieking loud music, and cheering on people who are trying to beat each other up are usually considered very manly pursuits, they still didn’t count in her eyes.

She cherry-picked the manly pursuits that made a man. For her, things like using power tools, (Which I’ve done plenty of times,) is manly. Riding motorcycles and working on cars is also manly. I don’t ride motorcycles but I have worked on cars before.

Even more important, her disqualifying of sports, exercise, and listening to Motorhead at ear-splitting decibels was there for one very important reason: She wanted to attack me. She wanted to make me feel small and emasculated. For whatever reason, she was using a very specific and complex definition of masculinity to try and tear me down.

My relationship with fitted bed sheet woman didn’t last very long. It was fairly toxic relationship, as you have probably guessed by now. She used the whole concept of “manliness” for the same reasons most everyone else uses it: To attack someone, to degrade and tear someone down. That’s the only reason anyone brings up the idea of being “a real man.” It’s an attack. That’s why my overtly manly facets didn’t count. Because if they did, then she couldn’t try to tear me down with her “do something manly” attitude.

The psychology behind manliness and people who use the concept to attack others is a topic that cannot be thoroughly explained or examined in a lone blog post. (I hear trauma talking in her attitude and the attitudes of many others calling out for “real men”.) This is just a story about how the topic can go all over the place. It goes from silly to ridiculous to complex and confusing to dead serious.

@aleksandralipa #duet with @vice.motivation The world we live in vs the world I need the time machine for 😈💯 #realmen #peakyblinders #tommyshelby ♬ original sound – Mr Vice